T-minus 9 pounds

July 28, 2010

Not from goal, but from being just overweight. It sounds nuts, but it’s a biggie. When ills 9 more pounds I won’t be obese anymore. I haven’t not been obese since I was something like 20. I am 33 now.

So let’s just say it. WTF is wrong with me? I have wasted over a decade of my life being sad and fat. I know there are people who are not sad while fat, but I wasn’t one of them. I was really unhappy. I felt unpretty and unlikeable and my weight held me back. I feel
Iike my life is opening back up for me. If I had to student teach tomorrow, I wouldn’t feel like the first problem my students would find with me was that I was fat. It is fucked up, but my confidence has increased by about a million. I was always awesome, but I finally feel like other people can see my awesome without it being obscured by their preconceived notions of the fat girl.

That’s it. Sorry if I seem shallow.

Lots to say

July 24, 2010

Remember how I promised that I would be better at blogging and stuff? And then I totally didn’t do it? Well, here are my excuses: First, I have been pretty busy with stuff. I failed at a lot of life things including blogging, so there’s that. Second, I became a little addicted to this dumb game on the Ipad, so I’ve been doing that a lot when I do have some time. The good news, though, is that I beat the game so I should be a little less obsessive (though there is a different way to play that I need to beat).

Anyway. Let’s get to the stuff that you want to know:

Loss since surgery: 47.5lbs
Loss since maximum density: 58.5lbs

I’m pushing the 50/60 pound marks and should see them before I go on vacation, which is freaking sweet. When I hit them, I’ll put some more lovely pictures of how much I’ve lost up. Here are some more important things:

7 more lbs and I’ll be at the post-surgery halfway point. More exciting, though, is that in 1.5lbs, I’ll be at the maximum density halfway point. That means that it will be all downhill from there and I’ll have less to lose than I’ve already lost. That’s a sight I haven’t seen since I gained all of this weight. Ever.

Okay. I’m taking a deep breath and making a huge revelation. I am only doing this because I have a lot of feelings about this milestone and want to talk about them, not because I’m really comfortable with people knowing my starting weight(s). A little math and you can figure them out though. So here it goes: on Monday, I made it to the 100s. As of right now, 196.5, to be exact.

I weighed in at 198 on Monday and I about lost my mind. I had been hovering at 201 and it was really starting to do a number on me mentally. While I knew in my head that I would, of course, lose more weight, I started to worry that maybe I wouldn’t. Does that make any sense? Anyway, when I got on the scale, I pushed the thingy up to 200, because I wasn’t expecting a lot. I didn’t want to disappoint myself. It went “thunk” and I did a little dance. I pushed it back to 150 and then pushed the other counterweight up to just below 50. Thunk again. I got to push it back to just past 48 (but so close that that’s what I marked it as). Then I cried a little.

Having a weight that starts with a 1 is a big deal. In online weight loss circles, they often call it Onederland, though that’s a little too cutesy for me. But for so many people to have a name for it, you know it’s a biggie. I mean, I know that when I was thin before, 200lbs was an unheard of amount for a girl to weigh. At least it was in my head. I had a pretty distorted view of body weights, though, and really also thought that anything over 160 was fatty fat fat. Little did I know that one day I would be celebrating just being barely under 200lbs.

I totally bought into the whole idea that girls should be little flimsy things that boys can toss around. Really, one of the hardest things about being fat for me was knowing that even if I wanted him too, my husband couldn’t easily carry me or anything like that. It was always a treat to be in the water with him because I could feel like I used to feel out of the water. Like a girl.

I’m starting to feel like a girl again. In more ways than just that, too. I feel like I can look pretty when I get dressed. I feel like making an effort with how I look is actually worth it because I won’t just look like a pig in lipstick, to borrow a phrase. I feel smaller than my husband and can actually see a day where, if the need arose, he could carry me.

Now I know I’ve got a good ways to go, but it’s nice to start to feel like myself, and like a girl, again. Also nice, not feeling like a sweaty mess the minute I step outside in the summer. When I was bigger, just the idea of walking in the heat was unbearable. I would drip in sweat from the moment I got outside and it was basically a bad scene all around. I would freak out that I smelled bad and the heat would prevent me from doing a lot of stuff. Also, I would dehydrate pretty easily and have a hugely red face.

Today it’s obscenely hot. The humidity is like a wall and it’s really just disgusting out. Nonetheless, Sharon and I walked a mile to lunch. And a mile back. It was awful, and hot, but nothing compared to what it would have been 50ish pounds ago. Also, the fact that some of my hair is falling out helps with that. I know hair loss is not a good thing, but I’ve always had a ton and I’m pretty much the only one who notices that it’s going anywhere. So not having a wool blanket on my head and having so much less insulation has made dealing with the heat a whole new experience. I’m still not a fan, but I’m not as paralyzed by it as I once was.

So that’s what’s happening. I’ll try and be better. Just remember that if I’m not writing on here, it’s kind of a good thing because it means that I’m actually out doing things!

Suck

July 17, 2010

So in the past two weeks I’ve lost 3lbs. I’ve been super stressed and had some crappy eating days, though. I just noticed when I published the last one and looked at the difference from my last post.

By crappy eating days, I don’t mean I ate a ton. Calorically, I’m still low enough to be dripping off fat. I just haven’t hit my protein every day and that totally reflects in my weight loss. I’m back to working 100% instead of 98%, though, so I should go back. Either that, or I’m just at a plateau-ish area. Anyway, I’ve definitely lost inches because clothes fit differently and people are all of the sudden comment central.

Okay. More later for real. Goodnight.

Blogging Failure

July 17, 2010

I’ll write more within the next couple of days, but I just wanted to acknowledge that I’m a blogging failure lately. My weight loss is a little slower–I’m at 43lbs lost since surgery, 54 since maximum density. I’m still losing, though, and that’s good all. So yeah. More later.

Since surgery, I’ve lost a 40. No, not a 40 oz. beer (duh), but 40 big fat pounds. Let us imagine 40lbs if you will.

According to the interwebs, this Mahi Mahi weighs 40lbs:

Holy crap, right? What else weighs 40lbs? This floor fryer weighs 30-40lbs:

As does this badass robot:

This cabbage? Guess how much it weighs. Did you guess 40lbs? You are right!

You know what weighs less than 40lbs? My daughter. I’ve lost 6 pounds more than my daughter weighs. I have to say, it’s pretty awesome to be minus my daughter/a giant cabbage/a deep fryer/a robot/a mahi mahi.

Also, from maximum density, I’m down 51lbs. Let’s see what the internet says weighs 51lbs. This salmon (which looks smaller than the mahi mahi, so someone is lying or else mahi mahi have less density, but whatever. I’m just relying on pictures to tell the truth):

This TV

This dog

And all of this cocaine

So yeah. I’m a happy girl. Have a great holiday!

Exercising

July 1, 2010

I’ve been doing a lot of that. It makes me feel good, but man, I am ready for bed once 9:30 rolls around. Notice that it’s 9:45 right now. I’m tired.

I posted some before/after pictures at my friend forum today and holy crap. I haven’t been taking regular common pose before and after type things, but the difference is drastic. No matter how fat I feel now, which I do sometimes, that before picture is like a slap in the face. I look like my face was soaked in fat and my cheeks pushed up into my eyes, making them look beady and smushed. Ugh. I feel pretty grossed out that A) I looked like that, and not even that long ago and B) that I couldn’t fix it without surgery.

I know that surgery is not the easy way out, nor is it a cop out, but lots of people feel like it is and I feel weirdly guilty about having had it sometimes. I am compulsively honest about how I am losing the weight, too. I feel like I’m being deceptive if I do the common “I changed the way I eat” even though it’s honest. I’ll be glad once I’ve lost the weight all the way and I don’t have to concern myself with people asking anymore. I hope that in the next two months that I’ll lose significantly enough that my new classmates won’t feel compelled to comment on my continuing weight loss, too.

I’m tired, so my thoughts are kind of incoherent and all over the place. But I don’t want to be the WLS girl, but at the same time I feel like everyone is going to know anyway, so it’s either be the WLS girl or the liar. And why do I feel like I owe anyone an explanation? I don’t. Yet I do it anyway.

An Homage to Clerks

June 28, 2010

Since Surgery: 37lbs (THIRTY-SEVEN? IN A ROW?)

Since Maximum Density: 48 (I have lost one pound for each of the continental states. Alaska and Hawaii are my next targets)

In case you’re wondering about the title, if you haven’t gotten it by now, you won’t. I just can’t say the number 37 without following it up with crude phrase thanks to that movie. Bonus points to whoever knows what you’re not supposed to do on the way through the parking lot.

Anyway, let’s get to the weight related stuff. According to the doctor, I am down 31lbs, but in the 2 months between when they weighed me and when I had surgery, I gained 6lbs because I ate like a fat girl. Even that considered, however, they were super happy with how I’ve done and say I’m doing great. I’m pretty happy with things, too. I can definitely feel the difference in my daily life. I can talk (a little) when I’m jogging even, where before I would sometimes talk funny if I was walking fast, much to my embarrassment.

I asked the nurse about the Flintstone vitamins thing and said how people on the interwebs are all “YOU WILL GET NEUROPATHY” and tell horror stories. She said that Dr. C has been doing this surgery for 20 years and has not had a single patient with deficiencies from taking Flintstones. My doc was selected to run a huge national study, is the head of the department, and a great doctor, so I feel confident that she’s not going to let me get neurological damage from vitamin deficiencies. I will still take my liquid ones for now, but I’m not feeling as psycho about the whole thing as I was.

I also got a B12 shot today. I had bought some sublingual tabs, but I guess I can just use them when it goes more than 30 days between shots.

I ran/walked (well, primarily walked) 2 miles today in 40 minutes. I ran 8 of the 16 straightaways, which means if you clip all of my running parts together, I ran 1/2 a mile and walked a mile and a half. My legs are a little jello-like, but that’s okay. I feel good and accomplished.

Tomorrow I’m going to swim after work, which I’m excited about. It’s supposed to be hot, so it will be nice. Hopefully my sunburn will feel even better tomorrow, so the evening sun won’t bother me. I’ll still wear sunscreen, of course, because my alabaster skin can burn in moonlight practically.

I need to eat something.

Whoa. Sorry to go off topic out of nowhere, but WTF? I just saw a guy club a seal on a commercial. I don’t want to see that. The poor ragged animals are bad enough, but I don’t want to see people clubbing seals or cows being dragged to the slaughterhouse. God.

I GUESS I WILL GO EAT SOME DISGUSTING MEAT NOW.